No, I don't mean having a list of people to kill! (Disclaimer: Violence is bad.) But we all have a list of people who have done us wrong in life. It could be a family member or friend, or someone at work. Seldom are they strangers in the GoT way, and rarely do these people do something so egregious that we sail to-and-fro learning skills and information that will help us knock them off.
When we create "Arya lists" of people, we invoke specific circumstances involving individuals and their acts. There could be one act, or more likely, a series of acts over time that we recall and replay. These individuals and the acts they have performed, whether objectively or not, have indelibly hurt us. And each time we recall and replay them through the "movie" of our mind, the wound gets worse.
In the first blog post — which yes, I realize is several months late — I wanted to reflect on our "Arya lists", asking the question, are such lists good or bad, or a bit of both?
The good
Lists can be productive. For Arya, it's her vendetta and raison d'être. She creates momentum and purpose in her life based on her list of people. For the rest of us, I think each person has a rather unique way of responding to people on their lists. For me, it usually involves creating some distance between me and the other person: out of sight, out of mind! Others I know are more confrontational when they address soured relationships. In the end, our responses to people who have made it onto our lists tend to be protective mechanisms. We do whatever is easiest.
In general, my list is and has been very short throughout much of my life: I tend not to hold onto things or situations . (This is the subject of a related but lengthy topic that is out of scope for this blog. In short, for me it has everything to do with a regular meditation practice.) But every once-in-awhile, someone does get on my list. And voila, I think to myself, "Now if I truly feel the injustice of what this person has done to me, how am I going to respond? How should I respond?"
This is where lists can be a good thing. When we have a person on our list, if we transform that to some kind of (non-violent) response, then we can channel anger, disappointment, hurt, etc. into something positive, validating, and/or restorative. But get ready to work on yourself and coping skills. If you think you can merely course-correct the "world" or "others" without learning a few hard lessons on the way, that means your list is something that runs you, and can ruin you. Think of Arya, who in the second to last episode, almost sprinted to her demise before realizing from the Hound that she was willing to give up everything just to seek her vengeance.
The bad
Having an "Arya list" can bring up a lot of negative emotions and thoughts. Even if we're trying to channel that list into something productive, we may need to revisit key aspects of how the list came into being. This inevitably conjures up the same feelings that helped get that person on the list in the first place, and going through those same experiences is usually never a good feeling. So, our list becomes a source of spite and distaste that stays in our own psyche, thus poisoning our well of thoughts, time, and resources.
Since there is only so much thought power we can exert in a day, spending our time reciting the names on our list, or the actions that were performed by others, or our own reactions, tends be immensely wasteful. This is the more subtle aspect of how a list can "run" us. It's like we're on autopilot, thinking of others in a negative light, when in fact we could be using our thoughts in a much more positive, constructive way. So, here is the conundrum: Have a list, and get sucked into the vortex of it consuming you, or don't have a list but avoid confronting those people that have done you wrong.
Conclusion
The "Arya list" construct is helpful as a way for me to think about getting justice for myself. Yes, that's right — not doing things to others to seek justice, but as a way for me to do right by myself. This means developing custom, tailored approaches to each and every person on the list. And that also means a fair amount of self-reflection to understand how I am going to respond to that person to course correct. In GoT, Arya creates a uniform response, i.e., to knock off everyone on her list. But real life is much more complicated, and we can't and shouldn't go about doing violence to others. Further, if we try to reduce the problem into a standard response modality, we will, I believe, see little success.
The reason Arya is such a fascinating character, in my opinion, is that she was able to transform herself from a child without much wherewithal to a character who shapes the world around her. Even if her standard response was one-dimensional, she did a lot of work on herself to get there. (And of course, her assassin persona was needed to fulfill her true purpose of taking out the Night King!) In the end, we can take more control over the hurts we seek to heal by adapting the "Arya list" concept into our own lives. Just be careful that for each person you put onto the list, you are willing to put in a commensurate amount of work on and for yourself to get the justice you deserve!